I was so sadly disappointed last week to learn of another Christian marriage that ended in divorce. This was a youngish couple who had been instrumental in leading the youth group that I was involved in when my son was a teenager.

I also saw that he was disappointed, as well. And not just him, but another friend who had been in that youth group. A friend who has since turned completely away from biblical teaching and wholeheartedly embraces the teaching of the world. For her to be disappointed really touched my heart.

My son has watched me fight for my marriage, fight in my marriage, give up on my marriage, only to muster strength through the Holy Spirit to fight yet again. He knows how the story can end if we listen to God and not the well-meaning but misguided advice of those around us telling us our happiness is the most important thing.

About 10 years ago I struggled through this same disappointment when I witnessed several other marriages disintegrate, including a pastor and his wife of at least 20 years. I couldn’t understand then how God could be doing such tremendous things in MY marriage, with MY unsaved husband that He wasn’t doing in theirs. I still don’t understand it. 

There has been a lot of discussion recently about setting healthy boundaries. For women in particular, many of us need to learn how to build healthy boundaries in our relationships. Much of the healing that has occurred in my marriage and in my life has resulted from properly timed boundary setting. But it’s a slow process. It came in stages for us with the last and greatest breakthrough not coming until shortly after our 20th anniversary.

I’m a little worried that women will be overzealous, setting too many boundaries or boundaries too lofty for our friends and spouses to successfully surmount. Quite possibly because they are looking for someone to tell them it’s OK to stop trying.

If I may share from my own personal story, I had determined after more than ten years of marriage that I was done trying to survive in the pain and loneliness and heartache. I had quietly decided I was ready to leave my husband. It was not a decision I made lightly. And yes, I talked about it with God. I was transparent and honest as I told Him that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I would abide by His word and not divorce him, but I couldn’t stay with him anymore. I based this on Malachi 2:16 where God literally says He hates divorce. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to do something God hates. Additionally, I knew when I made my wedding vow that I made it before the Lord. His word indicates in many places that we are bound to keep our vows. (James 5:11-12, Deut. 23:21-23)

I was going to leave and take my son with me. Without a divorce, this would mean no money from my husband to help with living expenses, so I was resigned to find a tiny, most likely roach-infested, rental somewhere near where I worked. I would simply live in poverty. It was preferable to the loneliness and lovelessness I was currently experiencing. I would, however, wait until January. It was shortly before Thanksgiving, which also meant right before my husband’s birthday. I didn’t want to be heartless and uproot everyone’s lives during the holidays. But I was already planning my departure in my head.

But God.

Somehow over the course of that holiday season God allowed me to see glimpses of the man with whom I had originally fallen in love. I felt God was encouraging me to hold on a little longer. To give Him a chance to do what only He could do. I surrendered in resignation. That conversation with God simply went as follows:

“OK, Father, I’ll stay. But You’re going to have to give me something to hang my hope on. Something to help me through this.”

And He did. A dear friend showed up at work and proposed we do a particular Bible study about marital relationships. I told her the timing was certainly providential, as I confessed to her that I’d previously been planning to leave but just agreed in prayer to stay. 

We did a study using that book, and there were some significant changes in my marriage after that. For one thing, God allowed me to see that much of my husband’s bluster was the result of his insecurity that I would eventually leave him for a Christian husband. 

I wrote him a note that I enclosed in his Valentine’s Day card assuring him that the very faith which created a desire in me for a Christian husband forbade me from leaving him to find one. I also assured him that I DID want a Christian husband, but that I wanted it to be him.

It was like a weight was lifted off Rick. I can’t describe how much encouragement he received from that note.

What if I had not listened to the Holy Spirit indicating I should stay and work harder at my marriage? What if I had set a boundary that Rick wouldn’t, or couldn’t, honor and I chose to leave? I might never have known the incredible blessings from God we experienced over the next ten years as He sanctified Rick and myself and turned our marriage into something beautiful. 

I might never have known the incredible love I know now from the man who knows me better than anyone this side of heaven. The very thought makes me sad.

I am not special. Truly. If God can do this for us, two people who brought a great deal of baggage into the marriage, then He can certainly do it in other marriages. If people would just lean into Him and believe His promises. 

If we can’t love the husband in our own bed, how are we ever going to love our enemies? And that, my friends, is a direct command from our Lord. (Matthew 5:44)

Ladies, we were created to help our husbands. Maybe one way we can help them is to seek discernment about just what their insecurity is so we can help them face it. 

Might they resist? Yes. But so have I on many occasions when God was trying to show me something in my life that I didn’t want to hear. I’m very thankful God didn’t give up on me so easily. And I pray you don’t give up, either.