There’s nothing quite so spectacular as the pink hues framing the outline of trees at the edge of our yard right now. There’s a gap in the middle of the trees that allows us to get to our mailbox, and the pink is even more brilliant there. Add to that the fingernail sliver of the moon in the dark southeastern sky and what do you get?

Another night interrupted by sleeplessness. There seem to be too many of these nights lately.

Six weeks ago, my son came into the kitchen and announced that he’d met with an Army recruiter. It seemed so incredibly out of character for him that all I could think to say was, “Why’d you go do that?”

Turns out, rural Iowa just doesn’t seem to be enough for him – go figure! He wants to see the world; he wants money to go to college (we were horrible parents – made the kids pay for their own schooling); he wants a job that holds more excitement than watching surveillance videos at a casino.

I just want my baby back. It seems impossible that 19 years have flown by already. One day I’m cuddled up with him watching The Rescuers Down Under, the next I’m sending him off to boot camp.

I spent two hectic weeks producing a homeschool transcript, a diploma, and a letter indicating what curriculum we used for four years of education, how many hours per week he spent on school, blah, blah.  This was followed by his testing at the MEPS center on three separate occasions, requiring a round trip drive of 120 miles and an overnight stay at a nearby hotel each time – all while trying to maintain his regular work schedule. Three weeks ago he was officially sworn in and has orders to ship out on November 18 for boot camp.

Once he graduates from boot camp, he will go to Texas for his MOS training. He scored very high on the ASVAB, which allowed him the opportunity to get a job he actually wanted. He will be a Signals Intelligence Analyst, and he’s studying now for a test that will allow him his first promotion BEFORE he even leaves for boot camp. Hmm… wish he would have mustered up this much motivation with our homeschooling!

He’s excited. I’m excited for him, but a little anxious. Ever since Josh started working with the recruiter to get enlisted, I’ve been LITERALLY assaulted by the enemy. The magazines I catalog at work carry cover pictures of soldiers on MEDEVAC stretchers over in Afghanistan, the CBS evening news devoted two nights entirely to the war in Afghanistan, reporting the loss of eight soldiers in a senseless battle over Kamdesh, a remote outpost that we were scheduled to vacate anyway. Even the fiction book I had been enjoying from one of my favorite Christian authors (Ted Dekker) is about a military guy in Intelligence (yup, the job Josh will be doing) who was captured by the enemy in Iraq. On October 20, the local evening news reported that Iowa had just made the largest call-up of National Guard members since World War II – that’s 70 years, folks! 3,500 troops will deploy in 1 year for Afghanistan. It just doesn’t stop. Ugh…  can’t seem to get away from the haunting images of suffering and death in the military. He naively thinks he won’t be in a combat area; I wish I were so confident.

One of the big fears of my adult life, especially as a Christian, has been that I would lose my only son. I wanted nine kids; ever since high school I wanted nine kids. However, because of the choices I’ve made as an adult, I was allowed the blessing of only one son of my own and two wonderful stepdaughters. That’s six fewer than I wanted. I think there’s something deep within me that feels as though God will know that I’ve made an idol out of my son, that he’s the one thing in my life I won’t surrender to God, and that because of it he may be the one thing God requires of me.

I am struggling in ways only a mother can imagine. When I finally shared my concerns with a very good friend at Bible study several weeks ago, I sobbed. God wouldn’t allow my only son to be taken, would He? But even expressing it seems ludicrous. After all, He sacrificed His only Son, didn’t He? And many people have had to suffer the loss of a child in the war. How am I special?

To relieve some of my anxiety, we agreed I will be reading no more articles about the war, I will quit watching war news on the evening news, I just need to turn it all off. It’s silly worrying about things over which I have no control. In fact, according to the Bible it’s a sin. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

We’re now working to make sure he’s tied up all loose ends here, after all, he DID just buy a nearly new car that required my husband’s co-signature! Also, we’ve been feverishly working to get ready for the big ole’ going away party tomorrow. So much to do, so little time.

As for me… I’ll be having my breakdown AFTER he’s gone. Sigh…